Monday, 21 May 2012
In this morning’s ‘Enhanced Bullshit’ edition we bring you the latest and greatest in scandal-mongering hot gossip from Anarchy Central’s 24/7 Truth & Rumour Mill – with dispatches hand forged and crafted into bespoke satire to tempt the palates of all budding nihilists and career revolutionaries who carry the immortal bloodline of the rebel sons of Belial.
When Dr Laurence Gobstopper was struck by a middle age menopausal urge to go ‘messing around in boats’ and did an online Swap Shop trade with the family’s Thai au pair girl for a thirteen-foot outboard cruiser he was delighted when his children took an immediate shine to the craft and all things nautical, bought a Jolly Roger pirate flag from a Somali eBay site, borrowed Grandma’s parrot – and came up with a silly name for the boat they’d heard on the telly – Bin Laden.
And that was that – cruising up and down the Thames wearing their eye patches and brandishing plastic cutlasses with nary a worry. Well, for two years anyways – until the 2012 Olympic Games hysteria kicked in and the our once-sceptred isle’s iconic river became a virtual war zone kitted out with mine fields and submarine nets – and torpedo boat patrols manned by plods from the Met’s Paranoia Response Squad – an outfit anyone with an IQ over room temperature can apparently sign up for – although the paramilitary contingent seems to have attracted a batch of super-morons from the G4S Renta-Thug security agency who, if they were any thicker, would need watering and not feeding.
So the motorboat was proudly hand-painted with the joke name Bin Laden 1 by 11-year old Dylan Gobstopper, and regardless of regular weekend cruises, nary a complaint had ever been raised concerning the name – until last weekend when the ‘amateur mariners’ and their boat were spotted by a remote MQ-9 Reaper ‘smart drone’ on the lookout for Al Qaeda warships sneaking up the Thames and the sighting relayed to GCHQ and the security services via the Olympics emergency ‘Hysteria’ channel – and they kicked ‘Operation Chicken Little’ into action – intercepting the boat as it moored at Greenwich Yacht Club for afternoon tea and scones.
Dr Gobstopper, a boffin beardie physicist and apparently endowed with more degrees than a brewery thermometer – (but less common sense that a tortoise) – was unceremoniously grabbed and manhandled by the paramilitary plods – his signature anorak pulled down his back then simultaneously handcuffed, pepper sprayed and tasered as the black Ninja-style uniformed goons shouted “Don’t move an inch Mohammed – where’s the nukes?”
With the arrival of a team of MI5 officers, who promptly stuck the 11-year old Dylan in a North Face holdall to shut up his protests, and a search of the vessel revealed no sign of improvised explosive devices – nor zero weaponry more dangerous than a fishing bait catapult, it was decided that perhaps the weekend sailors presented less of a threat to Olympic security and Western civilisation than the spectre of the long-dead Osama bin Laden.
After being released and allowed to continue on their way, Dr Gobstopper spoke to one press hack from the Totalitarian Gazette, claiming “What a bunch of bonkers psycho tossers – are these dog wankers for real? What kind of a repressive, fascist regime is Broken Britain being governed by, might we ask? This climate of fear and scaremongering scenario is generating a Dystopian nightmare.”
“Really, we are so deep down the rabbit hole now with this panopticon Big Brother state it’s very scary. They’ve ordered me to change the name of the boat as it presents a security risk to the Olympic Games venue – if you can accept or believe such a crock of shite. Anyway, Dylan’s decided to re-name her Guy Fawkes in memory of one of our finest – albeit failed – revolutionary anarchists.”
Thought for the day. Fuck Big Brother – and his sister – and the New World Order.
Allergy warning: This article was written in a known propaganda-infested area and may contain traces of slight exaggeration, modest porkies, misaligned references and lashings of bush telegraph innuendo.
The Skewed News Views (Purveyors of Bespoke Satire) – enhanced with a modest touch of Yeast Logic and a piquant dash of Political Incorrectness: a newsheet and media source not owned by Rupert Murdoch and the Masonic Zionist kikester lobby – and immune from litigation under the statutes of the ‘Fair Comment in the Public Interest’ defence.