Birther Coconut to be cracked by Sheriff Arpaio
Arpaio set to crack ‘birther’ coconut
by Laurie Roberts – May. 23, 2012 12:00 AM
For years, you have wandered in the wilderness, searching in vain for that ever-elusive evidence and the credibility that comes with actual elected officials willing to take up your quest for “truth.”
Finally you have reached the promised land: Arizona, where these days lunacy is law.
Oh, who am I kidding? We’ve long been the land of crackpottery and conspiracy.
Remember Gov. Evan Mecham and his efforts to ward off laser beams from the eavesdropping attorney general and the newspaper? Remember the alien flyby exposed by the Phoenix Lights?
Remember when the TV weather guys went all Middle Eastern on us and started using the word “haboob”?
We in Arizona are nothing if not one giant teeming conspiracy theory.
So it seems only natural that we would take up this noble cause. We may not be the birthplace of the birther movement but where better than Arizona to take one final stand — or leap, if you will, right over the edge?
And so our intrepid sheriff, Joe Arpaio — not content with Secretary of State Ken Bennett’s electoral probe — has dispatched a deputy and his posse to Hawaii as part of his criminal investigation into the curious matter of Barack Obama’s birth certificate.
Arpaio says his investigators showed up on Monday at the Hawaii Department of Health but couldn’t get past the lobby.
Hawaii tells it a little differently.
“The two gentlemen who showed up at the State Department of Health yesterday and represented themselves as being from Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office were not turned away,” Joshua Wisch, special assistant to the Hawaii attorney general, wrote in an e-mail. “They met in a conference room with the deputy director of health and a deputy attorney general. … The registrar was not available at the time, so his supervisor, the deputy director, took the time to meet with the gentlemen. The statutory process was explained at the meeting, and all publicly available documentation was provided.”
Or as Arpaio puts it: “We were stonewalled.”
Of course, Hawaii officials aren’t going to just hand over the goods to America’s self-styled toughest sheriff. Especially if they’re in on the cover-up, as Arpaio clearly suspects.
“We feel that that document is a forgery,” he said. “We’re trying to figure out who did it. That’s good police work.”
In addition to storming the lobby, Arpaio says his island forces are developing “numerous investigative leads.”
I don’t imagine that it’s an easy assignment. This is a complicated case that calls for sophisticated law-enforcement techniques, given those tricky Hawaiians with their website (hawaii.gov/health/vital-records/ obama.html) offering all publicly available documents.
“These include, among other things, press releases from both the past and present state directors of health verifying that they have personally seen and verified the president’s birth records, as well as a link to the White House website where a copy of the certification of live birth is posted,” Wisch wrote.
I’m certain Arpaio is not dropping it even after Hawaii provided verification of Obama’s birth Tuesday night. Which is why I feel it incumbent upon all of us, as Arizonans, to assist in his efforts to wring out the truth now that we have boots on the ground — or possibly flip-flops in the sand.
It’s time, once and for all, to crack open this coconut and if these hardened Hawaiian criminals won’t confess, then I offer up these suggestions:
1. Make them eat poi until they agree to talk, or at least let you out of the lobby.
2. Use our senior status as the 48th state and mount a campaign to dump their No. 50 butts out of the union.
3. Seize our signature memorial — the USS Arizona — and threaten to float it to San Diego. Assuming, that is, that Hawaii doesn’t decide to cut it loose first.
4. Three words: Occupy King Kamehameha.
5. If else fails, call in the big gun. Enlist Arizona’s governor to fire up The Finger and if a good wag doesn’t do the job, simply deputize her and issue the order:
Book ’em, Jan-o.
Reach Roberts at firstname.lastname@example.org or 602-444-8635.
Read more: http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/news/articles/2012/05/22/20120522roberts0523-arpaio-set-crack-birther-coconut.html#ixzz1vidHrbWM